When I hear stories of my mother’s childhood and transitions into adulthood, I can’t help but wonder how she’s led the ultimate life of submissiveness without questioning the societal norms she has been forced to comply with and the absence of identity that has resulted therein.
I understood from an early age that I did not want to be like my mother. I had witnessed my mother at a loss of purpose as life passed by and in the midst of devotion to my father and her children, she lost herself. But more bothersome was the fact that my mother refused to change with time, she refused to transform into all of the personalities she could have. The world she created around her welcomed zero change and instead, she found comfort in what she was most familiar with and eventually has come to dread this as well.
I am twenty-four. When I decided that I wanted to leave my birth country, I was twenty. I knew this step was vital for my self-growth. I wanted to break free from an environment that was too bound by traditional norms. I needed space, from my own family because I could not differentiate between the person I was being forced to become from the person I truly wanted to flourish into. I was lucky to have this privilege.
When I think about my mother not being given the opportunity to find her inner self, I wonder if it is one’s fault when they are unable to do so or the fault of the circumstances that surround them. I often wonder if my mother was given the chance, of all the things she could have become. I wonder if someone has empowered her to finish an education, what career she would have chosen. If she was given the options, what would she have picked for herself?
I don’t agree with my mother on many things. I rarely ever argue with her though. Instead, I try to understand where her perceptions and reasonings arise from. Sometimes, I cannot be bothered to do that either because it seems time-consuming to try to understand a perspective that does not align with mine. However, I always tell my mother why I feel the way I do and although, she may not agree with me she does listen. And I think that’s enough.
Throughout history, there are countless examples of women who have succumbed to an overpowering, patriarchal society. Sometimes, these women are aware of the injustices being done to them and find a voice to speak against it and the courage to actually challenge the norms. Others are forced to believe that their submissiveness and domestication is their true calling. Every individual must be presented with fair, equal opportunities and treatment— this is what feminism stands for.
I love my mother — without any doubts. But I wish she had the courage to speak up for what she truly believed in, that she discovered her life’s true purpose before making her purpose her spouse and children, that she was brave enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer served a positive purpose in her life, that she at least realized that there is a life beyond what has been constructed for her — that life is best lived when one knows their true potential and capabilities. I wish she had done all of this so it would have been easy for me to do as well.
Every woman must know and believe that she can be whatever she aspires to be, without worrying about how the world will perceive her because at the end of the day you live with your thoughts, with your regrets and your accomplishments. And some people will like that and some people won’t. But what matters is that you at least chose a life for yourself that not only kept you happy but kept you sane and grateful.
