Today, Noah is one month old. Today also marks a month since I’ve slept continuously through the night, have experienced what back pain really is, what rushed bathroom breaks feel like, how a mental breakdown actually feels good in the end, etc. The list is too long. Yet, through this rollercoaster of an experience that you call motherhood, I find myself eagerly waiting to get on the ride each day.
To embark on the journey of motherhood has been nothing short of a blessing. But, I’d be lying if I say it’s easy. It most definitely isn’t. Being a mother is not easy. Being a good mother is even harder because the expectations you have of yourself are sometimes shortlived. But I’m learning that it’s okay. It’s okay if everything is trial and error at this point because just like everything else in life, practice makes perfect.
Just yesterday, as I was changing Noah’s diaper my youngest two brothers were mesmerized by how tiny his feet are. As they touched his tiny feet and fingers they giggled at his facial expressions. During this moment, my mother said “Look how helpless Allah has created a baby — he depends on you for everything and by the time he grows up he remembers nothing. In the Qur’an, it says that both wealth and children are a trial by means of which we are tested. That’s why whenever you look at him, pray that he’s a means of goodwill to you and Fahad and that Allah rewards you both for the sacrifices and compromises you will make for the sake of your child.” It was after these words of my mother that I immediately began to ponder how motherhood has started to become more of a reflective journey for myself — a true opener of my own strengths and weaknesses, my capabilities and shortcomings not just as a parent but as an individual.
I find myself to be strong when I have to physically force my body to get out of bed in the middle of the night to comfort my child or when I have to sit for long periods of time to breastfeed. This strength is a reminder that when I doubt my own ability to be a good mother to my child, I must remember the sacrifices I am already making. In times of distress, when Noah cries uncontrollably, I find myself breaking down as well. It’s during these times that I realize that I am no longer alone — that there is no such thing as solitude anymore, that my time and focus is no longer mine and that instead, I share these aspects of my life with my child. When he is in discomfort, I will be too and as natural as this is for a mother it takes me by surprise every single time. How my life has become so interconnected with my child is a living phenomenon that will stay for as long as I am alive.
If I were, to sum up, what a month of motherhood has felt like I’d say that it’s been both challenging and blissful, exhausting yet rewarding. That with every breakdown I’ve found myself regaining the strength that I felt I’ve lost forever. But most importantly, I think I now know what it actually feels like to be grateful for a blessing that is purely yours and experience a love I never knew existed.
