I spoke to a friend today over the phone. We were on the phone for one hour and seventeen minutes. For one hour we spoke about a friend we used to know, how she got married to her college sweetheart despite everyone warning her how much of a douchebag he was. But she married him anyway because when you’re in a relationship with someone toxic, they have the power to manipulate you. We spoke about how so many women feel stuck in relationships for varying reasons — all of the reasons indicating how men are capable of caging women in relationships defined by toxicity.
I read and hear so many stories of women who suffer at the hands of men, all for the sake of “love.” It is difficult, I can imagine, to walk out of a relationship where you must have believed whole-heartedly that he is the one. When you are convinced that what you shared is love, it is difficult to break free when the depths of your heart tell you otherwise. I am writing this post to plead to ladies who are in toxic relationships to GET OUT.
If you’re in a relationship and are feeling any of the below, you need to liberate yourself, for the sake of your mental sanity. You deserve to know what it means to truly feel free, to feel loved and wanted.
- You are not to be controlled. You were born with free will and possess full capabilities to make decisions. Do not allow your partner to dictate to you what you should or shouldn’t do. Suggesting or giving an opinion is different than forcing a decision down your throat. Value your freedom.
- If your partner speaks ill of his family members (parents, siblings, immediate family) and constantly blames their own shortcomings on family, it must indicate to you that a person who does not value family will not value yours either, neither will they value the family you decide to start, if you do. How a person treats the ones who have raised him/her speaks volumes of their upbringing and values. Do not compromise.
- Pay attention to the language that is used when you are spoken to. The tone that is chosen in moments of anger and frustration. To be cursed at or to have foul language used to is not only belittling but is an indication of how little respect your partner has for you. Words are seldom forgotten, especially the ones that have been the cause of pain.
- Guilt should not be part of any relationship. If you are feeling guilty, you are being meant to feel guilty by your partner. If he is making you feel guilty for spending time on things that matter to you (family, friends, hobbies, career) you need to find a way out. You have done nothing wrong. If living a life that brings you contentment and fulfilment is problematic for him, he is not the one.
- Blaming others for emotional trauma is a sign of weakness. If he tells you how his exes were the problem without acknowledging his own fault, constantly shifts the blame from himself to others you should figure that he is the problematic one. You are in no shape or form responsible to be in a relationship because you feel you must solve another man’s problems or insecurities. Therapists exist for a reason.
- Once a cheater is ALWAYS a cheater. Some men are habitual ass holes and will cheat without reason — not that there are reasons that justify cheating in the first place.
- Promises fulfilled are the only promises that count. Being promised something and seeing little to no effort being put towards the promise being fulfilled is a red flag. It’s easy to make promises but it’s so much more difficult to fulfil them especially when a person genuinely has no regard for you. Do not feel compelled to be with someone merely on the promises they have made to you.
- Emotional blackmail is dangerous to your overall well-being. When you are met with accusations that are untrue or feel that you are being blackmailed for the sake of making him feel better about his actions/decisions you must muster the courage to walk away.
- The very first moment that you sense he is not right for you, leave. Do not wait for another reason because while the reason will surface, you will keep finding excuses to stay.
- If more than one person is telling you that he is not right for you, trust them. Do trust your instincts as well but if those close to you have given you warning signs do not ignore them. Especially if people who are close to him have warned you of similar things you need not any more warning signs.
I hope this PSA to ladies allows them to reflect on the kind of relationship they are in. If any single of the statements above describes your relationship, know that staying is never the right decision. It is never worth being with someone who cannot value you as a human being and has little regard for your feelings or well being. Love is meant to make you feel good, is meant to be fulfilling and is never demeaning, never manipulative and never, ever supposed to make you feel hurt, broken or betrayed.
There is always a way out. The first step is always difficult but once you cross that first step, climbing becomes easier. There is so much to living — so much beauty, happiness and love only if you choose to live it with the right person or alone — never with the wrong person because one wrong individual holds full capability of destroying your right to live, happily.
